In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
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i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
There should be a product swap booth on the way into Costco, you can bring the massive package of snacks that your kid used to like and exchange it for the huge box of snacks that some other kid has rejected
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
Absolute fiend for dumbass plot devices in fantasy stories. I love it when there’s some stupid magic orb that fixes everything, you just need to find it.
“The kingdom is in peril! Champion, you must find the Cube of Fix Precisely This Specific Problem.”
I will snort it like snow.
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.