In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
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nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
Got in the car and my 6yo greeted me with “well, well, well, look who’s here.”
This is the only greeting I’ll be accepting from now on.
scenes of unspeakable carnage
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
I wish all tests were things you peed on
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
There’s a teenage boy on the phone in front of the hospital and I think his mom just had twins because he’s pacing and going “No bro no, a brother and a sister, bro, no, no, bro, the doctor reached in there and PULLED OUT ANOTHER ONE.”
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT