“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
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I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
unbelievably distressed by this ad
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!