Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.

Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.

I paid for for the sled.

The kids weren’t doing it right.

And it was my turn.

You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.

In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.

Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.

Batman: I’m afraid of bats

Superman: I’m afraid of soup

MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME

What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.

Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime

*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once

flight attendant: is there a doctor on board

me: out of my way, i’m on season 7 of house

*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*

[family therapy]

JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference

DOC: Why do you do that?

ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond

I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.

All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.

“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.

The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.

[rap battle]

Opponent: *crushes it*

Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*

So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.

Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.

Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.

Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.

Mother Goose: what? these are for children

Me:

Mother Goose:

Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.

What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave

There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.

And their commentary has me crying 😭

My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.

Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.

“Your cute”
“My cute what?”

Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.

Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”

Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.