In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
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You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
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I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
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At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
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Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
lot going on here, legally speaking.
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when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
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SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …