Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.

me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size

wife: is that danny devito

It’s okay to have a favorite child, especially if one of your kids is great at baking.

I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.

Imagine being tracked down for a crime you did a million years ago because your silly goose of a great aunt sent in her DNA to 23 and Me.

POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.

MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.

Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.

Her: So cream of mushroom soup.

Me: Basically

Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.

a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit

My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me

I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.

I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot

My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark

Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.

Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.

I was 12.

If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦‍♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦‍♂️😏🤦‍♂️😉🤦‍♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.

What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??

I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars

I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd

going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous

I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.

I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.

It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.

Just go around me, man.

#parenting

Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?

GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*

I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.

If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk.

Ducks don’t talk…

If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.

I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.