In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
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Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
Don’t wait until you’re on your death bed to let them know how you feel. You may be too weak to raise your middle finger.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
Required: An app that turns the page of the calendar that’s on the wall.
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
I just can’t think what this suitcase is the best thing since?
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
Happy for shogun. The show that dared to ask questions like “what if we have good lighting?” and “what if you can see what’s happening? Even at night???”
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing