Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done

One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies

Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?

Him: A scientist?

Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?

Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date

*first date*

Her: So what animal would you be?

Me: Oh a cat for sure!

Her: Aw cute!

(Later that night)

Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*

Her: …Ok considerably less cute.

A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else

I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.

The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.

Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.

My kid—who potentially had an allergic reaction to shrimp last week—just got extremely worried that he couldn’t eat a favorite food anymore, and I got to be the one to share the good news that whipped cream does not normally contain shellfish.

Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.

ME: Colman Domingo would make a great Hermes in the Hadestown movie

GUY WHO I’M TRAPPED IN A CAVE WITH: cool but I meant ideas about how we get out of this cave

[at a boat store]

Salesperson: Can i help you?

Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.

My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.

ME: We’re all out of beef

CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken

ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?

The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.

Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that

“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.

I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating

Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.

My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”

We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation

the three branches of government

Instead of killing yourself or a sherpa trying to climb Everest, you can just tell people that you successfully summited.

Much easier and safer

[ quarantine, day 46 ]

me: this boredom is unbearable

my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you

Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?

Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]

“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”

And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..

If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.

I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.

Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart

My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.

Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:

Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan air

Where does it end?

Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots