Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saying “sounds good to me” in a meeting then quickly realising a lot more was expected from you.

every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.

5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.

The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise

Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscape

Be like Mario.

Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse

Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?

B: Please shut up

M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters

You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.

some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob

Me: what word would you use?

Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before

if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe

To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.

My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account

Please vote for people who are attractive

The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.

I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.

TV Show Idea:

Speculation news.

A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.

Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.

ZOOKEEPER: So this female python is our oldest snake here at the zoo

ME: *way too loud* A granaconda

ZOOKEEPER: *pulling out his tazer* look away kids

Me: I love you..Marry Me!

Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.

Pat is about to own someone

Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’

Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.

Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀

A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.

My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year

I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.

A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.

The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!

The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff

if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins