in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
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My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
Imagine how scary sharks would be if they wore necklaces made out of our teeth.