in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
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I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
me after i passed that state trooper
Beware…..
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
Me- Are you ready for school?
13- I don’t need school, I’m smarter than Shakespeare. Wait, was that a real guy?
Me- I’ll meet you in the car
Bloody internet 😳
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.