in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
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When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
eating beef jerky and thinking that cow probably shoulda drank more water
Friend: Wanna go out tonight?
Me: You know the rule, man. I need to be notified at least 3 months in advance.
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.