in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
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Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
Verizon: your online bill is ready
Me: ok. for what
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
I don’t know how to mop my kitchen floor without pretending l’m cleaning up a gruesome crime scene.
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone