[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
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I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
❤️🦆
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
Like many people of my generation I was brought up to live my life believing in the virtue of delayed gratification.
I’m now in my 60s and it’s too soon to say whether it was worth it.
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
Me: *smugly* I couldn’t name any Taylor Swift Songs
Them: I think she already named them.
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
The principal (who is retiring next week) emailed us all to “remind” us that we aren’t supposed to show movies. There’s 7 days left. Who does she think she’s kidding
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise