[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
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Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
Denise please return my vape pen
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
prediction: there will be an earthquake 21 minutes ago
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.