Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me

Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up

man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.

customer service: do you have the boomerang?

man: no, that’s the whole problem

5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday

I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.

Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.

Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.

Friend: That’s my stomach.

alcoholic: you drive me to drink

designated driver: ok

The good news is cannon deaths have gone down dramatically in the last hundred years.

Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.

All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus

Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs

Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.

My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.

The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing

Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.

Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?

I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality

Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?

Those three magical words:

“Where’s the plunger?”

I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.

I find it lightens the mood.

Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth

Me: No way

Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?

Me: Yes, that sounds delightful

I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.

At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.

Was bored so Applied for a dentist job at some clinic. I have an interview this week😭
I HAVE NEVER BEEN TO MED SCHOOL😭

My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”

I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.

[rollercoaster]

HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up

Not gonna lie it felt good

When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??

I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.

I thought you said “Face punch me”.

My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.