Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.

My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace

Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?

Parenting is easy.

[boiling pot]

dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off

Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.

TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.

My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket

*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*

wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u

Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.

I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.

Fun Fact:

The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.

[walks date home]

HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?

ME: I gotta work early

HER: I have 2 dogs

ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]

[sexting]

Her: Are you naked?

Me (taking a shit): Yes

Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound

Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-

age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]

My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.

If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?

My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.

CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine

2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.

Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)

A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.

was Jim off killing horses or…

I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST

My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.

Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.

America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.

Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.

Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*