In general my philosophy is do whatever you want if it doesn’t hurt people and it’s not two spaces after a period.

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He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry


Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life


Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.


What are you listening to?
The Who
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?


[movie date]

me: i snuck in some snacks

her: omg!!

me: *clutching ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water


When I die, I’m not donating my body to science, but I might donate it to the English department and freak the shit out of some people.


I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.


Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.


I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.