@fmanjoo

In general my philosophy is do whatever you want if it doesn’t hurt people and it’s not two spaces after a period.

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@KyleMcDowell86

He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry

@MelvinofYork

Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life

@ipalatsky

Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.

@jimmytorosian

What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?

@harvardgraduat

[movie date]

me: i snuck in some snacks

her: omg!!

me: *clutching ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water

@juliussharpe

When I die, I’m not donating my body to science, but I might donate it to the English department and freak the shit out of some people.

@LoveNLunchmeat

I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.

@TuSoonShakur

Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.

@SonOfCha

I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.