@fmanjoo

In general my philosophy is do whatever you want if it doesn’t hurt people and it’s not two spaces after a period.

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@lecalabara

I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.

@Darlainky

Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.

@curlymalloy

Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!

@lisaxy424

Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap

@DavidAdt1

Them: What did you make for dinner?

Me: Arroz con pollo

Them: What’s that?

Me: Chicken and rice

Them: Why didn’t you just say that?

Me: 🤦‍♀️

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.

Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.

@Shen_the_Bird

astronaut: houston come in

houston: this had better be important

astronaut: it’s urgent

houston: fine what

astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float

@chuuew

The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.

@thatdutchperson

THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.

ME:

THERAPIST: ok?

Me: would that make you happy?