ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
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Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
BETRAYAL
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”