In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
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Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
I’m an avid indoorsman.
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
Can confirm.
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
