In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
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The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
asking my doctor to give me the Marilyn Manson rib removal surgery to make more room for the hotdog eating contest
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
…u ok Nintendo?
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
Someone at work just farted and I panicked and said ‘compliments to the chef’. Wtf
Regional Manager added me to the wrong Slack channel at work. There were discussions on overlooking 3 certain people for promotions & ideas on how to get them fired, because they were in a union. Long story short, I’m the regional manager now and the 3 people got their promotions
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
Technically, all the money I have ever spent on food has been flushed down the toilet.
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.