In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
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Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
I will never stop laughing at this
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.