In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
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[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
had some friends over this afternoon. they said aloud they should be going “in ten minutes or so” and my 9 year old looked at them and then asked google to set a timer for 10 minutes
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.