In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
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Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.