Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.

I don’t regret becoming a stand-up comedian for one minute. I regret that I carried on after that first minute.

I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.

coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.

i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism

neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?

my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese

I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.

I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.

Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.

What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?

Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?

Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.

Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?

Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog

Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.

Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever

Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him

Friend: So, do you workout?

Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?

Friend: No

Me: Yeah, neither have I.

“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves

Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”

Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.

911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?

Patient: I think so. I was asleep.

911: Any idea what set him off?

Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.

Me: You just sat on my glasses.

Husband: *Stands up* What?

Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?

Falls for it every time.

*eats pizza out of box in bed

*falls asleep

*wakes up next to leftover pizza

Voila! Breakfast in bed!

me and my fake scenarios

the question “how is work” really pisses me off😭. work is work bro, idk what else you want me to say

When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.

card machine: insert chip card into reader

me: ok

card machine: do NOT remove card

me: uhh ok i wo-

card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT

Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.

Sincerely, every parent everywhere.

Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…

Aw beans

Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.

Friend: “wanna go for a run?”
Me: “can I drive instead?”

A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:

“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”

“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”