In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
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Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
I think we should let the Just Stop Oil girl out of prison to attend her brother’s wedding, but then stage a protest and block the roads.
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
If feeling embarrassment at past actions means you’ve “grown as a person,” then I grow as a person about every 5 minutes
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!