In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
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Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
Unpopular opinion
The moon is actually way more useful than the sun. Because the moon gives us light at night when it’s dark. The sun only gives us light during the day when it’s already bright.
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
If you meet a surgeon at a party don’t immediately start pitching to them. They are sick of hearing ideas for surgeries, and even if you give them a good one they will just steal it without crediting you
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
I’m so jealous of people who live near a coastal area. Wdym you can just go to the beach on a random Tuesday?
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
Me: I’ll be home a little late today.
Son: Why?
Me: Two of our coworkers are leaving the company, so we are all getting together to celebrate.
Son: Wow, you guys must have really hated them.