Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan

Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.

Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.

What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?

(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?

An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls

WARNING: My kids were in the water all day yesterday.

None of them got out for a bathroom break.

Until further notice, Lake Michigan is CLOSED.

“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.

When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?

My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.

You are what you eat? Well… I’d rather be a donut than a salad.

rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator

Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.

Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.

drew a comic about my origin story

Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”

Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.

Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.

employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress

me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]

Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?

Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry

I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack

Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?

What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?

I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.

Waking up a teen for school:

1st try: Time to wake up.
3rd try: Please get up.
10th try: GET UP NOW!

Teen: Why are you yelling?

My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.

Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.

Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket

Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating

Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow