Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A wife is like a hand grenade.

Remove the ring, and your house is gone.

My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.

I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts

*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*

Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.

Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*

Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs

“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.

I said we supposed to be saving our money.

How to dress when you are a woman over forty:

1. Be a woman over forty

2. Put your clothes on

I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.

[at lunch with friend]

Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.

Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?

Friend: Exactly *winks*

Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy

Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no

[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen

One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan

Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.

Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me

Her: like a mom

Me: haha exactly, and—

Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili

Instead of calling myself a babysitter, I wanted to mix it up and be original, so I referred to myself as a “kid watcher.”
Yeah, don’t ever do that.

Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.

Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?

Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!

Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy

Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.

My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”

Me: where do you want to eat?

My gf, a moth: idc you decide

[arranges a candlelit dinner]

Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake

Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!

Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*

Murderer: *walks through the door*

Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME

Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory

God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”

Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school

iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep

*next morning*

iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off

I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.

Happy Star Trick Day.

May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.

How many tricks you get today anyway?