Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.

technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting

Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.

Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …

If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?

No chance of blocking an uppercut.

Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.

Kids: [inside playing on their phones]

Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.

[3 minutes later]

Kids: [outside playing on their phones]

Him: You seem super chill.

Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.

There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.

I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”

Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.

Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)

It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.

Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.

You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.

i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way

Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.

Risking my life for fun.

perfect

Did you know that an apple can accidentally be flushed down the toilet in a perfect storm of events?

We do, now.

(Just kidding; it’s only half-flushed & is now stuck in the pipes & my god why are kids like this.)

I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.

I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted

“You’re still a fun person,” I whisper to myself at 9:30 p.m, as I stir a pot of chilli like some kind of culinary night owl.

Nothing screams ‘life of the party’ like panic-cooking mince before it stages its own rebellion in the fridge.

painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?

me: absolutely not

Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.

Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”

Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans

Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.

PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.

Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.

Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.