Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.

In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.

Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly

My 4-year-old:

Me:

4-year-old: You’re spilling.

That’s shocking!! Hold on.

*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*

Ok. Go on.

BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday

COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off

ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day

Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.

AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”

Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.

I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.

It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want

it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo

Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”

Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”

Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”

normalize having existential bread

In space, no one can hear…

me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island

Wife: you mean deserted?

Me: no

I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.

[last supper]

judas: this could’ve been an email

MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress

ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work

Cashier: How are you today?

Me: You too.

🤦🏻‍♂️

I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.

My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”

me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure

Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok

Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:

-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.

Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.

50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.

In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.

I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME

At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.

Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway