In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
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I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
normalize having existential bread
In space, no one can hear…
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway