Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.

THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.

“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it

Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.

They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.

for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch

my mental health would drastically increase if I could be involved in a heist like once or twice a month, even better if there’s a fun montage included

Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.

I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.

YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.

WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.

THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.

“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”

“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life

Who comes up with this kinda stuff

Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself

Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.

*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house

Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.

Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”

Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.

[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”

What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?

I am, perchance

Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol

There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.

*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*

Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.

If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?

[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]

wife: I should have been the one to do it

me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house

shop assistant: do you need help?

me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle

If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.