Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.

My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.

[First date]

Her: I like bad boys.

Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.

if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich

being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you

I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.

[boiling pot]

dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off

Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon

2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.

Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’

*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS

I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.

Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?

Sidewalks™

My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.

woman on a first date: [pointing to her plate] i don’t think i ordered this.
her date, who comes from a dimension where they only talk like foghorn leghorn: this waiter, i say, this waiter’s about as sharp as a sack of wet mice.

I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.

You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!

Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*

That lamp looks PISSED.

I wonder if babies know that we are more terrified of them than they are of us

The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list

This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀

You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.

Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!

I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good

Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.

me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?

wife: not like this

Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?

Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.

My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life

Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)

#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu