Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo

If I ever die on some hill, rest assured, something fishy is going on.

After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.

The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”

Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.

*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*

-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?

Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.

When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.

[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no

*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again

“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”

Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy

Just to piss off my kids

My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.

This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.

Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?

Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.

I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.

[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls

[reading of my fathers will]

Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-

Me: heh, bequeath

Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’

Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?

Lawyer: no, he just knew

*seduces you by wearing a sundress

*ruins it by running in flip flops

My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.

Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”

my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport

One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.

My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.

What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.

When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…

I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster

1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”

🙁
turn that frown upside down
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