Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Veterans Hospital]

GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?

ME: Haha, well…interesting story

Waiter: May I recommend the steak?

Dracula: You may not

I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.

I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.

You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”

“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel

Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders

Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.

CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces

Wife: I don’t meet these criteria

Me: It’s time to take a bath.

6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!

Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.

6: For my whole life?

Me: Yes

6: What!? Uggggghhhhh

Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?

*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00

The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!

Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.

So disappointed. I was unable to witness the awesome spectacle of the Perseid meteor shower in the middle of the night because unfortunately the view in my location was totally obscured by a thick layer of bedroom.

According to math, I’m broke

If you love someone, set them free.

When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.

There is wisdom there.

Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face

Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.

Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.

Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife

Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds

My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce

My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.

What’sApp

Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …

*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*

Mom: Fish, honey!

Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong

Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!

Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…

Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”

Him:

Me: Go on…

This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it

Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy

Me: Yes I have!

Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*

Me: Yes, I do!

Wife: Do the laundry

I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”

Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.

Him: What dat mouth do?

Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.