Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,

it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.

I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.

#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring

Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.

Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.

Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.

Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.

My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.

[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*

I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.

Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude

A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”

I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.

I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.

Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.

Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.

Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.

Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.

Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them

Step 2:Become a lawyer

Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love

Step 4:Become rich

I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.

My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.

One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.

The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.

5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?

Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.

The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.

The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits

Does anybody flutter a cape like Adam Driver and yet he still has not played Dracula in a movie possibly because he is sort of playing Dracula in every movie

You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed

A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever

Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.

#Caturday