Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !

Genie: I want infinite bananas

Banana Salesman:

Genie: Do u see how annoying that is

Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”

[writers’ room for Silent Night]

MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?

JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild

MIKE:…….jesus christ jim

My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.

Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.

I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.

Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”

Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”

Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!

[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael

Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.

Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.

(to the tune of We Will Rock You)

I feed my dog dog food

ME: stay away from the cat

MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n t

ME: ur gonna get scratched again

MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.

Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress

My rap name is When i$ Lunch

Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.

[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]

Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast

the antelopes: wait, the what now?

A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.

when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.

I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro

I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir

I will never stop laughing at this

Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool

Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.

Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.

Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.

I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.

He-man has a Masters degree

dora: jeez we’re really lost

boots: dora i’m freezing

backpack: we need a fire

the map: what should we use to start it?

dora:

boots:

backpack:

the map: oh no

dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault

I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.