[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”

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the reason a snake bites you is because they are jealous of your beautiful legs


I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.


I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.


-The Supreme Being

-The Taco Supreme Being


Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower

Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*


me: can you check my math homework?

guard: what

me: is this not a correctional facility


DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him

THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that

DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand


[Bad guys in John Wick movies be like]

Bad guy: He’s coming

Henchmen: Who?

Bad guy: John Wick, baba yaga

Henchmen: He’s just one guy boss, we can take him

Bad guy: You fools!!! Before John Wick visited Israel on a mission, the Dead Sea used to be called the alive sea


When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.

Worked a treat.

Got me twenty years.


Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby

Her: Head held high

Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby