[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”

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Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.


I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.


I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.


PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]


How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War


“Run, run, as fast as you can,
You can’t catch me, I’m the…”


Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine


Something you may have in your house right now could be killing your children. We’ll tell you about it in 2 days.

– Local News


If your name is David and you have a son, you should definitely name him Harley so he can introduce himself as Harley, David’s son


When mom returned from the store, her son had found a box of animal crackers. He spread the animal-shaped crackers all over the kitchen counter. “What are you doing?” his mom asked. “The box says you can’t eat them if the seal is broken,” the boy says. “I’m looking for the seal.”