[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
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“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
Monica just destroyed the internet
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’