Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.

I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.

My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.

Now I’m living in a flat.

Bread, a tale of tears

I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.

Incredibly it tasted amazing

I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.

WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes

When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.

[first day as a bartender]

customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner

me: [holding it] HEY

her: [looks up]

me: CATCH

We are the people our parents warned us about.

Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.

My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck

One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”

A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.

[first date questions]

You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone

Whatever she’s probably vegan

I’d like a truly deep-dish pizza. One or two fathoms.

Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.

Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)

Seriously.

Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!

“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”

6 YEAR OLD: how hard do you have to punch someone in the butt to make it fall off?

I went from rags to one rag.

*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby

I use a wheelchair. I’m in charge of distributing nonalcoholic beverages at parties. I roll with the punches.

Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.

Just call and I’ll be there.

*Turns phone off*

fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car

podiatrist: let’s take a look

There’s a doctor here to see you.

Doctor who?

No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.

Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago

Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.

Worst Native American name ever.