Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip

You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…

Doughnuts never do that.

(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.

crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free

In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.

NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show

At my interview

Him – what do you make at your current job?

Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments

Our power went out and it’s utterly humiliating how many times I tried to turn on the light so that I could find the flashlights because the power was out

*Arrives at work 2 hrs late

Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior

Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me

in the divorce i get custody of the little plate in the microwave

Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee

my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?

the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good

my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)

they split up moments later

[ interview at funeral home ]

director: are you ok being around death

me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes

Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.

No self control, must pet the kitty 😂

Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage

me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?

8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?

me:

Me: Doc, I hurt my back.

Dr: What happened?

Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…

Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???

Me: We are underbudget this month!

Dog: *eats kid’s retainers*

Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.

Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.

I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.

Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.

Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.

TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going

“Band? We thought you said ban”

TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?

“You could have done so much better than him.”

Me: Mom, I’m right here.

Me: *spits soup into bucket*

Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.

Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.

Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.

Wife: Who gets the raptors?

GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.