In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
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Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
We’ve come full circle
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*