@ItsAndyRyan

In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right

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@oakhillbargrill

Son: I’m addicted to morphing

Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?

Son: No Dad,not Morphine

Dad: what?

Son: *turns into bat

@Brianhopecomedy

When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.

@HiddleDeeDee

People that stop in the middle of the grocery aisle are my favorite.

@Shade510

HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….

Me: But…

@AndrewR31

Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”

@AndLookPretty

My therapist told me I have a tendency to dwell on things and now I can’t stop thinking about what she said.

@AmishPornStar1

When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…

Y’know, to buy myself some time.