Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Son: *turns into bat
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
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When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
People that stop in the middle of the grocery aisle are my favorite.
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
My therapist told me I have a tendency to dwell on things and now I can’t stop thinking about what she said.
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.