In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.
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My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
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And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
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never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
no one ever comes back
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KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
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If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
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Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight