In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.
![]()
You Might Also Like
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
![]()
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
Expect the unexporcupine.
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox