Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.

I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away

i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot

Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex

iPhone X

Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.

My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.

Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.

My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”

Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.

Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..

Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.

*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*

Someone stole my car.

“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.

Me: I’ll be home a little late today.

Son: Why?

Me: Two of our coworkers are leaving the company, so we are all getting together to celebrate.

Son: Wow, you guys must have really hated them.

I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.

I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.

I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses

When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.

Why can’t Chinese restaurants chop the broccoli in their dishes? I feel like I’m trying to fit an entire bonsai tree into my mouth.

Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.

FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school

ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah

*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*

ME: ive never felt better in my life

Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.

how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”

boy calls me cute: thanks i guess

boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding

never let them know your next move: signal left, then turn right

I think this was a scene from “The Birds”

If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.

*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf

They have creatures Noah didn’t bring into his ark. It’s a no

If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.