Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Drunk dials Mr. Clean

My house is soooooo dirty right now.

Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee

waiter: how do you want your eggs?

me: yellow

sam: i’m telling you

Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.

Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?

To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.

I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.

Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War

Things the GOP has battled this week:

1. Ethics
2. Intelligence

Going to buy several and turn them into a casserole to pass out on Halloween

Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.

2nd day of the kickstarter…thank u for such an amazing day yesterday….. i love you

Me: How many legs does the dog have?

4 y.o: Five

Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.

4: There’s something wrong with the dog.

Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.

Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?

[vet pulls me aside] have you been teaching your cat martial arts
me: you mean purrate?

You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.

I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.

“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist

ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park

COP: no

ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol

COP: I’m not

Cornhub…

For them dirty farmers.

so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.

Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.

Millennials: we share all of our feelings.

Gen X: feelings?

I’m going to quit the strongman competition. I put in my too weak notice

Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours

Me: Super size it!
Pharmacist: No.

[spotify ai voice] ayo it’s ya dj, x. comin up, i’m gonna play you some music that sucks

hey girl are you a holiday gift ribbon because you’re spiraling.

DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog