Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.

I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?

I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!

Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.

Be specific when saying “BYOB”:

[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*

Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”

Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”

dumbledore: you know what this spot needs

hogwarts gardener: rose bu-

dimbledore: a tree that kills students

hogwarts gardener: what

dumbledore: plant the death tree

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.

I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”

Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.

Other times they’re awake.

I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.

I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?

A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?

I said, Kindergarten.

[breathing]

“I could do this all day.”

I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation

“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff

I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”

[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then

Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.

5: I want to learn drums.

Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.

*confused, 5 walks away

I am the master.

[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫

Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me

Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word

[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?

I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.

The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.

Police officer: When’s your birthday?

Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four

PO: What year?

Me: Ugh duh every year

Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.

ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.

Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene

If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?

It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.

For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.