There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
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Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
“Two long necks please”
Giraffe in the back: Wow. Did he just-
Giraffe’s wife: Cliff, he didn’t mean anything by it please sit down
*eats Milky Way*
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
[at son’s Little League game]
ME: which one’s yours
OTHER MOM: the pitcher. You?
ME: the one performing Lord of the Dance in left field
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
Ramen again? This guy’s a mess.
-mice in my kitchen
Somebody said “hey wanna eat this apple” and I said “no thanks I ate a PC for lunch”