In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
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Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.