Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo

I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option

(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow

STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?

TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.

ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!

Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’

Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond

wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework

you aren’t “dehydrated”, you have attachment issues and you were denied water as a child

[blind date]

HER: I’m a light eater

ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb

“Stop hitting me.”

-Rock bottom.

Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips

accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”

DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*

WIFE: the dog got the mail again

ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?

WIFE: because she knows you hate bills

ME: …

DOG: *still wagging*

ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!

my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all

Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.

Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?

Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?

Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator

Me: *puts book down*

Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”

BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.

Everyone turns around and stairs at me.

Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?

Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.

License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*

“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times

“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers

Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today

*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples

Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’

tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away

ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful

Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.

I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.

me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question

cop: ur not even a suspect

me: i just wanted u to know

I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.

Ummm 😳