[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
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[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30