Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks

About to watch Tenet for the first time and I enjoyed it

Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.

[8 AM]

Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?

If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash

I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.

Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?

Director: you mean a choir?

Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?

shit, they caught us—run!!!

Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]

My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]

Sorry I brought an air horn to your colonoscopy.

my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.

CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me

Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.

HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE

Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,

You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.

Kidney stones? Hard pass

I ain’t wearing no wire

I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching

[Social Media Addiction Club]

Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.

*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.

I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.

Me: I’d like a neck tattoo

Tattoo artist: okay, of what?

Me: I just told you

Tattoo artist:

Me: on my forearm

DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant

ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before

DATE: Are you having deja vu?

ME: No I’m having the chicken

absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted

[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESS

MURDERER: What?

ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on

If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…

…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.

I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭

https://video.twimg.com/amplify_video/1630568175111929858/vid/720x1280/BHClvkuKrPJTB5jm.mp4?tag=16

me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?

therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good

hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what

I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry

What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?