Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..

…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word

[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”

I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.

WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge

ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART

To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.

Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.

[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]

– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside

My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.

Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.

I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.

I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”

heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead

I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.

Growing up was a huge mistake

[blind date]

Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?

Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.

Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks

“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs

waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined

me: run it again

waiter: i ran it three times

me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?

her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again

Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?

How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?

Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.

Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69

1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us

You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia

Coffee ain’t cutting it anymore. I need to eat batteries. 😭

For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.

excuse me

god: okay the day that is happening now is called today

angel: *writing* ok

god: and the day that just ended is called terday

angel: terday?

god: yes terday

angel: *writing* ok

Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.

My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.