*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
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Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
If you respond, “My bra is too tight” every time a coworker approaches, they will stop asking you questions.
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
its weird that when seltzer goes flat it doesn’t turn into regular water. you can still taste that something was Done To It
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
One time, in a restaurant, a dude from a rival gang threw a steak at me, so I threw a lobster at him and we got into a huge surf and turf war.
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs