*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
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[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
My favorite type of men is ramen.
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.