Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work

My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.

me: (11 pm) 😴

me: (1 am) 😴

me: (3 am) 😴

me: (5 am) 😴

me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!

[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?

them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty

[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?

75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.

About to go for a run, because shoplifting

The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.

If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified

No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.

I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.

I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.

[road trip]

DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.

Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?

When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.

Just picked up half the middle school boys basketball team to take them for burgers after practice.

Not enough febreeze in the world to fix this car now.

Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?

Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.

Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row

of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare

in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality

A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter

Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?

my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…

No matter how many times I read this, it always makes me happy.

I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team

– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.

hear me out : pockets for your socks

HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.