In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
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Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
Stop blaming everyone for all of your problems. Pick the one person you really hate and blame them for everything
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Yeah I can explain that gap on my resume – I tried to move a picture in Word
texting my friend “why’s there a firetruck at ur house” while he’s boarding a plane to Europe
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
My dog watching me set my burrito down when I go to answer the door
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
For cardio I live beyond my means.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.