In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
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I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A