Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
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Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
Me: Siri, how do I look?
Siri: Well, at least you tried
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings