never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
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I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
All those political ads are very convincing. They convinced me to stop watching television.
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
*puts sunglasses on a watermelon*
“WHERE ARE ALL THE DRUGS!”
*slams hands down*
“WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DID THEM ALL?!”