@sug_knight

In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook

You Might Also Like

@GrantTanaka

Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.

@CornOnTheGoblin

[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right

@AmishPornStar1

You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…

Yeah, well I ate her.

@sparticus_af

waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined

me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money

@samdunsiger

Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.

@awkwardphilippe

[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you

@canadasandra

When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.

@Rica_Bee

I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings