@sug_knight

In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook

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@KeetPotato

never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them

@JessObsess

I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.

@kellysdf

All those political ads are very convincing. They convinced me to stop watching television.

@hadafewbeers

Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.

@d_whitehouse

Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.

@StarWarsProblms

Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?

Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*

Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.

@GreyDeLisle

“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob

@Nahdude83

*puts sunglasses on a watermelon*

*punches watermelon*

“WHERE ARE ALL THE DRUGS!”

*slams hands down*

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DID THEM ALL?!”