In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook

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What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?


I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks


One day we’ll open Twitter & it’ll just say:

Thanks for playing! Hope you enjoyed this social experiment. Now apologise to your loved ones.


One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day


[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]


Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?


[me as a poltergeist]
*putting forks in the spoon section of the cutlery drawer* ooooOooOooooo


[rubbing lamp]

Genie: You have three wishes

Me: I want something that will save me time, stress and heartache every day

Genie: Done!

*all of my kids’ shoes are now velcro*


Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.