In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
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Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
Whoa 😂
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
If you love someone, let them sleep.
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!