In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
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Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
estão todos miauvindo?
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?