In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
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My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Telling my son he can’t stay home from school for no reason even though when I was his age I’d blow dry my forehead and tell my mom I had a fever.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.