In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
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“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
Venn
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
the perfect number of cats is two stupid cats. preferably siblings. but they can’t both be the same type of stupid. one needs to be stupid (dumb) and one needs to be stupid (annoying)
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
For those of you wondering how many Reese’s cups you can eat without having a Reese’s cup hangover the next day, the answer is less than 18
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
Going into Monday like
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds