In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
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Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
I wish we were cats so you could just randomly slap co-workers for no reason
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
Feels like there should be a middle ground
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
Not many talk about it anymore, ever since they dropped the sport as “not Olympic enough,” “undignified and stupid,” and “Who the hell let him in here again?” but I was proud to represent the US at the ’56 Winter Games in Men’s Pillow-Fighting.
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
Texas chain saw massacre is full of plot holes… what happens to the victims when they die? is there an afterlife?
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Get kittens they said… at least then you’ll know why you’re wide awake at 3am every night
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy