In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
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Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
This guy gets it.
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
Brilliant!
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
Chief Wiggum, Springfield PD, here… they’re doing WHAT?
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.