In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
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My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
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you can’t prove that threatening a toilet doesn’t work
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
One day I’m gonna be like “and then we used to lick the envelopes to seal them” and some kid is gonna think I’m out of my goddamn mind
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven