In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
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Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
That chalk outline really brings out your dead eyes
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
why do men always think “looking for fun” means sex ? Wat if i want us to draw
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
To whom it may concern,
My family isn’t missing so I suspect you have the wrong address.
Please stop posting me human fingers.Many thanks
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
*drops something sharp*
Brain: catch it with your foot
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer