In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
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Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Facebook is so funny. It’s a group called Black Jeep owners and a white man posted him and his black jeep and said “totally misunderstood the group name but I’m rolling w it. I love it here.” 💀💀
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
what day is it?
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
Nobody told me that when you get a husband the ears are sold separately.
4yo and my husband made pasta from scratch for dinner. 4yo took one bite and said “this is the best meal I’ve ever had, please can we make this again” then promptly left the table and ate no more. Bless preschoolers.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
How all things should be taught/explained.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
