In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
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I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
*me, drinking my morning coffee in my slippers* I really need to wash some mugs
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
Every work meeting this week
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
A guy at work spent the morning with his fly down.
We won’t mention names because that won’t solve anything and I already feel stupid enough.
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
i am at my thanksgiving table observing personality disorders that have not been identified yet
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.