in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
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ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
This rain has ruined my weekend plans. I shouldn’t have left them in the garden.
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
“Seize the day!”
No thank you. I will leave the day alone and hope it extends me the same courtesy.
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names