in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
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“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.