In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
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My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
Strange
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
Do you know what kind of pants a psychic wears?
Just a paranormal pants.
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.