Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: Quick. What’s this song?

Me: Awful.

mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day

I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.

Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.

Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle

me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies

cashier: they’re $5 a piece

me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00

Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit

[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A

I called my wife to see if she wanted me to pick up Fish & Chips on my way home from work, and she hung up on me. I think she’s still mad that she let me name the twins.

Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of bread

that’s my pug, you’re dating my pug

1st date: I love the spiderman movies

Me: So do I

[thinking of something to say to impress her]

Me: I used to be a spider

toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]

*waits until you fall asleep*

*tests out his new retractable air horn*

Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.

He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.

#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.

Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.

Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?

God: Lighten up drama queen.

I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me

But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.

Headlines With Threatening Auras.

If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.

axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable

I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches

my bf is sick and i offered him a cup of throat coat tea and he (extremely blearily) went “throat goat???”

Not only do I turn down my radio to find a house or a parking spot, but I also take off my sunglasses to hear someone better.

Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff

I built a tricycle pram tonight

*adds bike mechanic to the resume*

Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.