In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
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“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
Stranger: I’m going to punch you in the face now
Me: Please don’t
Stranger: It’s on sale 🥰
Me: Omg 3 please
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday